just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
