She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
