she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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