so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
