Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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