we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
