Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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