i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
