i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
