What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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