today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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