everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
