why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize