people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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