my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
