are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
