New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
not ubering you a puppy
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
