I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
