Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
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