You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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