I want to have your abortion
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
