So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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