Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
