the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
