:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
