so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sucked dick on a ferry
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
where are my eyebrows?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize