Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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