I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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