somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
