I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
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You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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