WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
