it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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