How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Found the puke drawer
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
