i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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