oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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