i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
