What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
