the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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