Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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