I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
