I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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