I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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