I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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