just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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