uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
