My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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