mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
