I wish my penis had an off switch
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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