Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
