i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
