So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
