I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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