hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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