I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
