We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
