what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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