when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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