he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Randomize
