allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
